just rambling

when I was growing up I was the only girl, Yes I may have done some things in my life that was not acceptable, and may have hurt people and feeling along my way,

When I was in junior high going to early morning seminary, I took my book of Mormon home with me, I had to leave my stuff on the bus, which one of the items was my book of Mormon I ran back into the school to my locker of something that I forgot, and when I returned to the bus I saw a jerk of a guy I went to school with and always had to ride the bus with, and my things had been pushed onto the walk way of the floor of the bus I picked up my things while every one was laughing at what he had did, when I looked at my things I opened up my book of Mormon and what I was written in red marker on the front cover in the book was GO TO HELL MORMON, and you know what hurt the most about all that was that even the few I went to seminary was laughing at what had happen.

You know I struggled growing up yes but I never once denied who or what I was, I never had true friends that where members of the church, Now that I look back I didn't even have true friends that were non members.

I never unstood why I was labeled MEAN, I may have disappointed my parents at times but I was never Mean or hateful to them.

I was 19 two weeks from being 20 when I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl,

the day I went into labor I was to be maid of honor at a friends wedding, well you can tell I did not make it to that LOL, 12 and half hours of hard back labor I held the most beautiful baby in my arms, In that 2 years time I tryed dating a few guys, I worked I spent all my money on my daughter, and I lived with good parents,I could hear the whispers and the looks from people, saying look at her she wont never amount to anything, shes already ruined her life by being a single mom, don't hang out with her she is a bad example, Then this handsome guy walks into where I am working with his brother, and I was sorta hooked, Now I am going to clarify are relationship, we where friends we talked we went to young adults things together as a group, that is when we did start dating serious it what those 3 dates is what Edwin and I mean by we new each other for three days before he asked me to marry him. He asked me to marry him in September and we where married Nov 1, it would have been sooner but one of my brothers could not make it until then, we where 22 years old when we where married for TIME AND ALL ETERNITY.

My husband worked for circle K at $3.75 and hour and I made $4.00 and hour, and we seemed to make it work until the end of December I found out I was expecting we where excited and scared at the same time, we had NO insurance. That is when Edwin decided to join the military again.

He was gone most of my pregnancy, and when I finally got to go be with him I was 7 months pregnant and was moving from NM to Virginia. Wow big move pregnant and with a 2 1/2 year old.

Then in September I gave birth to another beautiful baby girl, 3 days after The birth of our beautiful daughter I hemorrhaged really bad while we where shopping (back then they called it PX) .

We moved few time after Virginia we moved to Texas then I had to move with the girls back to NM to live with my parents cause Edwin got orders to go to Korea for a year. BOY THAT WAS HARD, No computers no cell phones just land phones and expensive collect calls, Edwin wasn't much of a letter writer LOL. When he came home we tried to have more children, we even went has far as trying fertility shots, pills, ect. you know the drill, and Nothing we came to the conclusion We would not be able to have anymore children and we think it all came down to when I hemorrhaged really bad. We lived in Kansas for about 3 years, and Edwin struggled with a illness , which turned out to where he would have to have mager surgery, they had to remove his complete large colon all the way to his rectum, I waited in a waiting room alone for 6 almost 7 hours Alone I made friends at the time of another woman who's husband was having brain surgery, we started making bets at who's husband will come out first, well she one hers was out in 4 so there I was alone again with NO one that ever came out to let me know how it was going, until it was all over.

I was relived, to know that he was no longer in pain cause he was in allot of pain before we decided together for him to have the surgery, we both new he would not be able to have a career in the military like he wanted to so there we where again wonder where and what we were going to do again, so again we had to move in with my parents again, No money No job, and during that time we had a little argument and he told me something that was just like stabbing a knife in my heart, he said that there was some one that blamed me for the reason why he got the illness and had to have the surgery that he had to have, I could not believe what I had just heard, So after that experience when ever I hear that, "well Tamara did it" I don't know how to take it cause I don't know if its for a good thing or a bad thing or if I am being blamed for something again. Seems that has happened allot.
Put all and all this year will make Edwin's and I's 24th anniversary, I think through all that we have been through and our children have been through we haven' t done to bad of a job. Edwin and and I both have seen our children ridiculed and blamed for things that where not there fault nor did they have any control over at times.

Jealousy hurts
Lies hurt
Wrongful blame hurts
Feeling get hurt